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On my marketing blog today, I commented about how this one company (SAP) is right in not retaliating for their competition’s cheeky ad campaigns. Sometimes in our marriages we have similar battles. One fires at the other, and the tendency is to fire back.

Like me today. I made some mistakes with our finances. My otherwise lovely spouse shared some words that actually hurt quite a bit. And, I did start to retaliate, but, thankfully, I opted to drop it for the time being. (That reminds me of a Snoop Dogg song. . .but I digress.)

Sometimes, it’s best just to not say anything. Let things die down until you can both talk calmly. If necessary, use the “I cannot talk about this right now” excuse.

It’s hard to have a productive conversation when one or both of us are angry or hurt. Sometimes we have to let those feelings relax a bit. (I’m not saying to avoid the topic forever. . .just a sort of “cease fire.”)

Speaking of “cease fire,” it might be helpful to remember that your spouse isn’t your enemy – regardless of what s/he just said. You two are on the same team – go have some time alone, chill out, and regroup later.

No, this won’t fix everything, but it may help work through some of your conflicts. (Personally, I need a little more time before I’ll be ready to deal with my own!)

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death happens

although

we live like
it doesn’t

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I delivered a document to a large global client late last night. Then I worried. “What if they think I’m nuts?” “What if they don’t agree with the approach I took?”

Basically, I was going to worry about it until I heard some feedback.

Finally, around mid-day today, I got the word – key people were really impressed with the thought process in the document.

I could breathe a sigh of relief.

And, it made me feel good. I did something that people liked. It made me want to do more things that people like.

Ken Blanchard of The One Minute Manager fame talked about this a bit in a lecture I attended a year or so ago. He used the example of how experts train killer whales like Shamu. He said, “Do you think they beat up a whale when it doesn’t do what he’s supposed to? No, they catch the whale performing the desired action and they reward it.”

His whole message was on catching people doing something good.

It’s an interesting managerial approach and an even more interesting approach to raising our kids. It’s easy to get caught up in the “don’t do that, don’t say that, stop that, etc.” We jump into action when something annoys us enough to want it to stop.

But when we see good, we often let it slide – or simply don’t notice. It’s making our life easy, so, no need to comment. We simply do nothing – mind our own business and enjoy the peace.

But that’s so wrong!

It’s when our kids are doing good that we need to spring into action. We need to show them how much we love it when they listen, share, resolve conflicts with their siblings, exhibit good sportsmanship, or treat friends in a loving manner.

When we reward their good behavior, they taste the fruits of their labor. And they like it.

Give it a try. Catch your kids doing something good. Reward them somehow – if only some brief words of praise. See what happens. I think you’ll be surprised.

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I performed a couple sets of music yesterday. Leading a group of mostly younger (read “20-somethings”) musicians. Four performances of about 30 minutes each. Couple, maybe 300 in each session. One of my friends saw a performance and asked me about my delivery of one of the songs and why I didn’t just “let loose.”

I actually thought I was giving a fairly impassioned delivery. Today, though, as I reflect more on it, I realize that maybe he saw something I didn’t.

Inhibition.

Sometimes it’s unconscious.

A fear to simply express that raw emotion. To feel. Really feel. To be me. Man, that is what the best music is able to do. It is so much more than technique or having a great voice – it is the ability to confidently deliver authentic emotions to your audience.

I have my excuses for yesterday. But I don’t want to use them.

I want to give an emotional delivery that moves people at the deepest level.

And I’m thankful for friends that will point things like that out to me.

Do you have people you can trust to be honest with you about your craft?

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There’s a part of me
that’s beat up

afraid

burnt and scarred

And that tissue won’t
grow again

if it’s on the surface

But if it’s within

Regeneration
awaits

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This is a random post, but I was looking for chords to Lincoln Brewster’s song “Can’t Deny” and I couldn’t find them online. So, if you happen to be looking for them, I’ll save you just a couple moments. And, no, I won’t say I am 100% sure on this, but it worked for my needs. Good luck!

Verses:
(E F#) A B

Pre-chorus (I don’t know, But I know):
D E

Chorus:
F# E A B

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funky
Well, I’m a musician and I love a great beat, groove, or anything funky. Funky gets you moving. It’s different. You resonate with it. It’s not generic. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s flawed, yet somehow authentic and attractive in that un-produced manner of delivery. I’ll try to keep it funky with a variety of communication styles and delivery mechanisms.

uncle
I’m not a kid anymore (although I like to act like one), so I guess the closest I could be is an uncle. But, let’s be real, I’m a writer too and I like the sound play between funky and uncle. Work with me.

mustard
Ahhh, the things that mustard does. So many varieties and all of them add zip to your life. Not to mention how a little mustard seed sprouts into a large tree. Something big from something so small. It speaks to an encouragement piece that I’d like to fold into this site. Plant a seed and watch the tree of life grow into something big. It’s a bit about “possibility.” There’s a lot of possibility to pursue.

Another reason I like funky uncle mustard is that I recommended it for a band name once and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Perfect.

That’s the short of funky uncle mustard.

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My blood flows full
Chemical composition
Unique

The energy hidden
Screaming silently

“Let me flow freely!”

How can I?

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An article in today’s Wall Street Journal discussed how a Japanese man, under the pen name “Kazuma,” is profiting from blogging about his mean wife. The article gives all sorts of examples of his domineering wife.

Kazuma has gotten a “Blook” deal out of it – a book based on a compilation of his blog entries.

Kazuma says that actually spends more time with his wife now because he needs more mean things to write about.

Funny? Yes, but. . .
While that may make you laugh – as it did me – there’s something sad about the whole thing. No, it’s not that he is making a bit of money (apparently his mean wife manages everything he makes). It’s that Kazuma is making no efforts to change the situation. (At least based on what we get from the article).

If you’re married, you will be wronged at some point
If you are married, you will, almost positively, at some time feel your spouse is wronging you. However, if you take no action to work through that, you will only feel more wronged and probably end up either seeking companionship elsewhere or simply filing for divorce (which – last I checked – is not the reason you get married).

By doing nothing you are actually being just as mean. Maybe even meaner. The opposite of love isn’t hate – it’s indifference.

Got a mean spouse? Make an effort to deal with the situation head on.

PS. The WSJ article title is How Demon Wife Bacame a Media Star And Other Tales of the ‘Blook’ in Japan by Yukari Iwatani Kane.

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