There’s a show on German TV called Paare, which translates roughly as “couples.” I’ve only watched it once (we just got German programming about a month ago – more on that in another post), but it was highly entertaining. The whole gist of the show is to highlight a wide variety of tensions that are found in relationships – you know, the little things that rub each other wrong.

I enjoyed the show because it showed a lot of the common conflicts in relationships that are a result of two different points of view. It also shows the common failure of each side to see things from the point of view of the other.

What scares me is how we often let those little things build up. We start to create a little database of all the wrongs that our spouses have committed or regularly commit. We let those things build up. We make a case for how terrible the other is. And, left unchecked, this case will get stronger and stronger until, finally, we have enough justification to terminate the relationship.

That’s the problem. We laugh at all the little things (in other relationships), but meanwhile, in our own relationships, we are letting those same little things build and ruin a good thing.

So, how do you avoid that?

I don’t know – maybe just by realizing that it happens. Maybe throwing away the scorecards we keep on our spouses – focusing less on what our spouses aren’t doing, and more on all the great things they are doing. And not forgetting that to love is to give freely - with no expectation of getting anything in return.

Maybe it’s asking, “What am I doing to show my love for my spouse?”

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I’m about ready to explode. Writing is probably the safest thing for me to do. Let’s discuss this calmly in the blogosphere and maybe I’ll return to becoming something a touch more sane.

I just returned from a long week of business travel. (I’ll explain my week’s joys of business travel here in another post.)

Ever since I’ve returned, my wife has been just rubbing me wrong. Every little thing seems to be an attempt to engage me in warfare.

I hate conflict, but I hate being fired upon, too.

Today, I removed myself from the room to simply hide in a corner and hope that I wouldn’t physically implode from all the crap that I wanted to spew, but knew it wouldn’t really help.

In my opinion, here’s the core of the problem:
We both feel we had hard weeks (certainly harder than the other had) and we both probably feel we should be able to unwind (while the other picks up any necessary slack).

It’s classic self-centeredness. We all suffer from it. It’s just harder to maintain happiness when you are “in love” as “love” is almost a direct opposite of self-centeredness.

It’s a struggle to see things from the point of view of others – especially when we’re wiped out.

And here’s another catch – even though I know all of this, it’s still hard to get myself out of it. The only thing that ever helps me, is if I can force myself to do things (nice things) for my spouse. But that’s hard when you’re being fired at.

Sometimes love’s tough. But I still think it’s the way.

I feel better already. Now let’s see if I can put that into action…

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Was my wife, Mary Elizabeth.

I don’t tell her that enough. Seems only appropriate to do that on Christmas.

To honor her, I wrote a little song.

Play The Best Gift I Ever Got (5mb .mp3).

If you’re curious to see the lyrics you can view this .pdf (73kb).

Enjoy.

PS Apologies to those who are tired of love songs. The thing is, authentic love is worth writing about.

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In the US, it was a Thanksgiving this last Thursday. I was talking with my brother-in-law as we participated in a “Turkey Trot” (a 5-mile run in the early a.m. designed to make you feel better about overeating/drinking the rest of the day). In between my huffs and puffs (I run casually, but my bro-in-law just completed the Chicago marathon), we talked about a variety of things, but the topic of appreciation is what I particularly remember.

I was generalizing about how I sometimes feel our spouses are so concerned and focused on how much THEY do (in our family workloads) that they don’t really appreciate how much WE do.

And then my brother-in-law said,

Often, I think it’s that we don’t appreciate all that they do.

Whoa! He hit it on the head. (btw, I hate it when he’s right.)

I don’t know if you see this or not, but I think this is a core problem in most of our marriages.

What was I doing in the above? Focusing on how much I do – the very thing I was accusing our spouses of doing!

We all do it – both sides.

As long as we think we are doing more than the other, we’re going to have a hard time really loving and caring for the other. We become resentful, bitter, and generally cranky.

I think my brother-in-law has it right – when we focus on all the great things our spouses do for us, we can better appreciate them. And this is going to lead to a stronger relationship.

I was sitting this morning, thinking of this phrase for a song or poem:

“When she adores me
I love her the most.”

It may be time for me to apply the golden rule of “doing onto others as you would have them do unto you.”

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On my marketing blog today, I commented about how this one company (SAP) is right in not retaliating for their competition’s cheeky ad campaigns. Sometimes in our marriages we have similar battles. One fires at the other, and the tendency is to fire back.

Like me today. I made some mistakes with our finances. My otherwise lovely spouse shared some words that actually hurt quite a bit. And, I did start to retaliate, but, thankfully, I opted to drop it for the time being. (That reminds me of a Snoop Dogg song. . .but I digress.)

Sometimes, it’s best just to not say anything. Let things die down until you can both talk calmly. If necessary, use the “I cannot talk about this right now” excuse.

It’s hard to have a productive conversation when one or both of us are angry or hurt. Sometimes we have to let those feelings relax a bit. (I’m not saying to avoid the topic forever. . .just a sort of “cease fire.”)

Speaking of “cease fire,” it might be helpful to remember that your spouse isn’t your enemy – regardless of what s/he just said. You two are on the same team – go have some time alone, chill out, and regroup later.

No, this won’t fix everything, but it may help work through some of your conflicts. (Personally, I need a little more time before I’ll be ready to deal with my own!)

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An article in today’s Wall Street Journal discussed how a Japanese man, under the pen name “Kazuma,” is profiting from blogging about his mean wife. The article gives all sorts of examples of his domineering wife.

Kazuma has gotten a “Blook” deal out of it – a book based on a compilation of his blog entries.

Kazuma says that actually spends more time with his wife now because he needs more mean things to write about.

Funny? Yes, but. . .
While that may make you laugh – as it did me – there’s something sad about the whole thing. No, it’s not that he is making a bit of money (apparently his mean wife manages everything he makes). It’s that Kazuma is making no efforts to change the situation. (At least based on what we get from the article).

If you’re married, you will be wronged at some point
If you are married, you will, almost positively, at some time feel your spouse is wronging you. However, if you take no action to work through that, you will only feel more wronged and probably end up either seeking companionship elsewhere or simply filing for divorce (which – last I checked – is not the reason you get married).

By doing nothing you are actually being just as mean. Maybe even meaner. The opposite of love isn’t hate – it’s indifference.

Got a mean spouse? Make an effort to deal with the situation head on.

PS. The WSJ article title is How Demon Wife Bacame a Media Star And Other Tales of the ‘Blook’ in Japan by Yukari Iwatani Kane.

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